Big girls don't cry
by KCameron
Summary: How things should have ended when Donna quit working for Josh.


I wake up in the morning to an empty bed and an empty space where Josh laid just night. I grab the pillow that his head once laid on and snuggle it to my chest. It still smells like him. That smell of shampoo and cologne and something else that is distinctly Josh. I feel the urge to cry as I lay here alone in my apartment knowing that Josh is probably a hundred or so miles away by now.

He told me last night that he was leaving for Houston in the morning, that he was resigning from the White House to go run Matt Santos' presidential campaign. He told me to come with him, not as his assistant but as his partner, officially. He told me that he couldn't do it without me and that he knew that I know that the Vice President wasn't the real thing. It was when I told him that I needed some time to make a name for myself without his help that he closed himself off from me again.

He said he was sorry that he let me go and that he was sorry that he kept me from growing into a career. I wanted to hold him so badly while he paced around my living room and told me the reasons why he thought that he was such an asshole. But the truth is, he wasn't. Well, I mean he is but that's just because he's Josh. But my leaving and moving to a new job was not completely because I was mad at him and I wanted to hurt him. This new job is about me. I wanted to stand in front of C.J. and say "Look, I am doing just fine. I got this job all by myself and I am damn great at it." But, it still doesn't change the fact that I want to see Josh smile or that I want to sit almost too close to him on the floor as we finish up some work left over from the day or that I want to hug him when he is disappointed and hear his laugh when he gets excited about something. But this isn't about Josh Lyman. This is about me.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and stood up, blocking him from pacing anymore and kissed him to stop his anxiety. There was no putting all our secrets back into Pandora's box at that point, we were moving down the road at full speed. He told me I was beautiful as he kissed my neck and I whispered "I love you" into his ear as he unbuttoned my blouse and I ran my fingers over his back. This time was not about the hot, sweaty passion that I always thought our first time would be about. Instead, we each took our time exploring the other's body and reveling in the feeling of completion that we felt finally being able to touch each other in places that had long only been a silent whisper in our heads.

He wrapped his arms around me protectively as we both began to drifted off to sleep. "Don't go." He whispered into my ear with a slight choke in his voice. "I need you. Come with me to Houston tomorrow. Be a part of something real, Donna, please."

I lightly stroked his hand and placed a light kiss on his palm. "I have to." I responded. "I need to move on with my life. But it doesn't mean that I won't miss you everyday." I said as I turned in his arms to softly kiss his lips to accentuate my point.

"I love you, Donna." Josh said as if that would finally be enough to keep me at his side.

"I know." I whispered as I ran my fingers through his unruly brown hair. He closed his eyes and reached out to stop my hand and hold it on his chest. "But I need to do this, Josh."

"You'll come back to me, right?" He asked in a voice that told me he needed to be reassured that I wasn't gone forever.

"Haven't I always?" I said reminding him of times past.

"Yes. Yes you have." He said as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

I listened to him breath for a while and then snuggled deeper into his arms and drifted off myself. I don't know what time it was that he left this morning, but I know that he kissed me lightly on the lips and said, "I love you, Donnatella" before he walked out to go and convince a man to run for President.

As I get up and start a pot of coffee, I have the biggest itch to call Josh and tell him that I'll meet him there in a few hours. But instead, I start a pot of coffee, I take a shower, get dressed and head out to work at the OEOB. It feels weird to know that Josh isn't just five hundred yards or so away from my office. A few minutes walk at the most. But I know that this is good for me and I go on with my day.

My phone rings later as I walk home from work and I know who it is. "Donna Moss." I answer as if I don't already know its Josh by the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"I love you." He says before saying 'Hello.' "I just wanted to let you know again. I want that to be the first thing I say to you before anything else."

I love sweet Josh. "I love you too, Joshua." I answer.

"So how was work?" He asks. He wants to know everything about my day and I want to know everything about his in return. We talk my whole way home before he tells me he loves me again and we hang up the phone. My apartment still smells like him later as I sit on my couch and read over a few memos. I am going to New Hampshire next week, which makes me even farther from Josh. But sometimes that's just the way things go. And its time for me to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry. But that doesn't mean that he isn't the world to me and I'll miss him more everyday.


End file.
